So, what is nervous system regulation?

Nervous system regulation is the starting point for deeper healing. When you are regulated, you have more access to calm, presence, and choice. When you are dysregulated, your body can fall back on old protective strategies like fight, flight, freeze, or fawn, even when there is no immediate danger.

One important part of this is the vagus nerve. It is the longest cranial nerve and a key part of the parasympathetic nervous system, which helps the body settle after stress. The vagus nerve acts like part of the body’s braking system, helping you slow down and return to a more grounded state. Research on self-soothing and oxytocin also shows why slow breathing, touch, and other non-noxious sensory input can help the body downshift and return to a calmer state.

Why does this matter?

Because regulation is not just about feeling calmer in the moment. It gives you more space between what happens and how you respond. That space is what makes it possible to pause, notice what is going on, and choose something different instead of reacting on autopilot.

The good news? Vagal tone isn’t fixed. You can train and strengthen your nervous system’s capacity to regulate, and it starts with simple, daily practices. This is what builds true resilience: the ability to come back to safety, again and again. It's not about never being triggered, or not becoming upset when someone treats us wrong. It's about creating space to act with intention instead of reacting from a place of survival mode. This is why nervous system regulation is the first step.  

What happens when you are dysregulated?

You may recognise yourself in this:

• your mind spins with worst-case scenarios

• your chest feels tight, your stomach turns, or your breath gets shallow

• you send texts in panic or scroll obsessively for reassurance

• you over-apologise, withdraw, blame, or try to control

• you lose focus, sleep, or appetite

• you feel raged, overwhelmed, or suddenly numb

Triggers often come with a sense of urgency and certainty, until the storm passes and you wonder “Did I overreact?”

Why vagal tone matters

Vagal tone refers to how well your vagus nerve works: how quickly and easily you return to a state of calm after stress. Higher tone = more resilience. Lower vagal tone will make you easily triggered and reactive. 

The good news is that this is not fixed. Regulation can be trained. The more often you practise returning to safety, the easier it becomes to stay with yourself when you are triggered.

That is why nervous system regulation is the first step. It does not mean you will never be triggered. It means you become less likely to be swept away by the trigger, and more able to respond in a way that feels grounded and intentional.

The science behind shadow work

Nervous system regulation helps calm the immediate reaction. Shadow work helps us understand what is being activated underneath it.

The idea of the shadow is strongly associated with Carl Jung’s work, especially the chapter “The Shadow” in his 1951 work Aion.

In Jungian psychology, the shadow refers to parts of the self that remain outside conscious awareness, often because they once felt too painful, shameful, or unsafe to know.

In my work, shadow work means exploring the deeper patterns behind your reactions, so you can notice what is being triggered, understand what is being protected, and begin to change the beliefs that keep repeating.

What is attachment theory?

Attachment theory was originally developed through the work of John Bowlby (1969) and Mary Ainsworth (1978). It helps us understand how early relationships shape the way we seek closeness, safety, and connection later in life.It helps us understand how early relationships shape the way we seek closeness, safety, and connection later in life.

Ainsworth’s research helped identify secure, avoidant, and resistant attachment patterns. Later research by Main and Solomon (1986) added disorganised attachment as another important pattern.

In adult relationships, attachment patterns are often described using four categories (Bartholomew & Horowitz, 1991):

• Secure: You feel comfortable with intimacy, can express your needs, and generally trust others.

• Anxious/Preoccupied: You fear abandonment, seek reassurance, overthink, and may worry that you are too much or not enough.

• Dismissive/Avoidant: You rely heavily on independence, may pull away when things get close, and find it difficult to express emotional needs.

• Fearful-Avoidant: You crave closeness but also fear getting hurt, often caught between wanting connection and wanting to protect yourself.

These are broad patterns rather than fixed personality types. You may recognise yourself in more than one, and your responses can vary between relationships.

Attachment and nervous system regulation

Our early experiences shape our internal working models, or the unconscious expectations we carry into relationships. They also influence how our nervous system responds to closeness, conflict, and perceived rejection. When something in the present reminds you of an old threat, your nervous system can respond as if that threat is happening all over again.

You might become hypervigilant to signs of rejection or abandonment, constantly looking for reassurance, or you might do the opposite and withdraw, shut down, or distance yourself emotionally. These responses are closely linked to attachment patterns and are not character flaws. They are ways of managing distress that may once have helped you feel safe, but can make connection harder today.

This is why attachment and nervous system regulation are so closely connected. When you feel safe and regulated, you have more capacity to stay present, read social cues, communicate your needs, and remain connected to yourself while connecting with others.

And regulation doesn't happen in isolation. Relationships can be a source of regulation through co-regulation, where another person's presence and responsiveness help you settle. Feeling safe with someone can make it easier to stay open, communicate, and navigate difficult moments without falling back on old protective strategies. navigate difficult moments without falling back on old protective strategies.

Over time, these experiences of safe and responsive connection can help you develop new ways of relating, both to others and to yourself.

What are core wounds and beliefs?

Core wounds are deep emotional imprints that often form early in life. They shape how we see ourselves, others, and the world, and they can become beliefs that influence our behaviour and relationships without us realising it.

Core beliefs can sound like:

I am too sensitive.
No one will care about my needs.
I have to be perfect to be loved.
It is not safe for me to speak up.
It is my fault if they leave me.
People cannot be trusted.
I am never good enough.
Feelings are bad.

How this shows up in your relationships

When your inner foundation is built on beliefs like these, even the best tools can be hard to use.

Boundaries can feel like empty threats or ultimatums. You might say, “I cannot do this anymore,” but when the other person does not respond the way you hoped, you panic, backtrack, and feel like you have run out of options.

Communication may come out more like control. You may check in constantly, ask for reassurance that is impossible to give, or need the other person to guess how you feel in order to prove they care.

Expressing needs might feel unsafe, so they come out as anxiety, frustration, or pressure, and then turn into a spiral of second-guessing whether your needs are even valid.

You may start conversations from fear rather than clarity, and the whole thing can turn into a pattern that is less about the relationship itself and more about not feeling secure inside yourself.

You were not born with these beliefs. You learned them somewhere along the way. That is good news, because what was learned can also be unlearned.